As if you have a choice.

Monday, March 31, 2008

~ When life was pretty much easy and smooth sailing~

~Everyday sitting at the park. looking how life goes by without me smiling through it~

Now? Hmmph, I dont know what to do anymore. People say make life the best of it, cause you only have one chance to live life, to make the best of it. Yeah true, but this is not life, this is just tortured by humans. Feelings i take so deeply, what people think of me, i do care. Yeah, im that kinda person. I care of what people think of me. Well sometimes la, not all the time.
Anyways, this post isn't supposed to be about me. Its supposed to be about someone else.

To you:
Please don't sit there and act like my bestfriend when you know all the while your bullshit-ting me and trying to get the attention from like everyone. You wanna help me? Be there for me. Not tell me what i did wrong. Let me try to explain what really happen. You say your not backing up anyone, Nope your not. But your siding him, especially when you were the one who told me in this first place, that his attitude is as worst as a rubbish man. Come on, dont tell me you dont remember that. Owh wait, im sure you'll lie to everyone and say that im making stories up right? Yeah, i know you'll do that. why? its all about the clan. Its all about mixing up with the ones that are the popular ones. That is what subang GIRLS are like. especially you, you wanna stand there and back me up, help me through it. Not tell me to change myself when im doing the right thing. Come on la weh, I rather not have u as a bestfriend, if your gonna bullshit behind me okay. Seriously, i rather not. You wanna be a WANNABE so badly kan, go ahead.
the door is open for you.
Now everyone would love you.
GoodJob.

~ I should have listen to her, when she told me about your attitude~

What a mistake i did for backing you up. fuck it.

My god, Some people can really shocked you sometimes.

-fallen angel-

♥ 7:27 PM

Two people that can make me happy even how sad my life is becoming to be. The people i can really depend on, the friends that i can really do trust. The ones that i should listen too. The ones that i should mix around with. I dont care if i lose anyone else, but i know i still have two most important people in my life, and its them. I'll always love you guys. Sorry if i ditch you last time, it was stupid to do so. Trust me, we'll never be apart again. heee.

Thanks for everything babe

-fallen angel-

" My sister from another mother"

♥ 3:12 AM

Sunday, March 30, 2008

It hurts to know that the smile is not real.

It hurts to know that everyone seems to think the bad of me

I wanna run away, but i won't anymore

Why not you just tell me what i did wrong

Every song i hear, i cry

Every one i see, i do not give a damn

I just wish i didn't make a mistake like that

I just wish i can take it all back

You have made my life the worst then it can actually be

You have made everyone in my life hate me

You made me the fool to actually fall in love with you

Did you back me up when i was helping you

All you can do is just sit there and stare at me

Tell me is it true, is this all true

if its not i rather you tell me now then for me to find out for myself

I won't take this any longer, i won't go through the hurt again

Let me be if you won't love me

This post is meant for two people. Please don't ask who.

♥ 5:25 PM

Saturday, March 29, 2008

I made this music player at MyFlashFetish.com.

Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight

So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark
I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me

Listen to the song, then think what i am actually feeling. I did it without thinking. I trust people too easily. I dont think before doing stuff, before helping anyone. You wanna call me names, go ahead. You wanna fight with me, go ahead. Im not even gonna stand my ground.
What i did was wrong, to even bother to care.

*Won't be blogging for a couple of days, wont have the mood*
Anniversary day just ruined, i guess

♥ 6:48 PM

Friday, March 28, 2008

Heylo, Went to school today. At first woke up at 6:45, didn't feel like going, but haih, just push myself up. Did my english exams since yesterday i didn't come to school. I only left one question out, it was pretty hard, couldn't understand the question cause well, teacher was teaching in front, and alot of people talking behind me, damn hard to concentrate but i did finish all of it. Then, today was ULBS:BM, damn and it was me. I kinda memorize the whole thing but then when i got infront of class, EVERYONE looked at me, I was like shit la weh. Why is everyone looking. So i got kinda nervous, the words that came out, didn't even come out right, i was like shivering, I can never do public speaking, never in my life, unless its english. BM, no no. So, i got 29 marks. It wasn't that bad i guess. i think 35 is the highest kott..

So after that, almost half of the class was like NOT in class. they were at bilik seni, so Me, Eleena, and afira, haha. we masuk campur and went there too. I did some painting for bendahara, although im not in their team, wth weh? But it helps.. Even temenggong didn't do any banner or whatever, temenggong so anti social laaaaaa.. Nevermind. So "their" gang started dancing infront of everyone, songs like *crank dat-soulja boy, I'm gone-Eminem*. Yeah, those kinda weird songs. Some stuff in Bilik Seni today kinda shocked me but whatever la.
*Do whatever you want, karma PLEASE happen, im begging you*..
So school finished, my boyfriend came and fetch me, Yay!.

Reached home, starting singing *Go on girl - Neyo* He sang the guy part, i sang the gurl version. Just change all the *shes to he's* We put the volume like damn loud, cause my mum went out, and she change our living room speakers to like HUGE ones.. The picture is below. When i play songs like *getlow* haha, it sounds like some kinda club inside here, and my mum loves to put it like damn loud so the whole neighbourhood can hear, weird yup.Anyways, I hope some girl artist would like reply him or whatever la kan. This song is not meant for a gurl, I dont believe in it.. So yeah, then Jack fell asleep, cause he didn't sleep that much last night. Supposed to wake up at like 3:45pm, End up waking up at 4:30pm. Then he was like, he gotta go. Cause well, work! Ish, work work work. I hate that job for taking him away all the time =(.
He wished me since tomorrow is our anniversary, and hes scared later at 12 he wouldn't be able to message me, cause usually *coffea bean* is like packed like hell at that time. today friday also. So yeah.. And, i asked him this..

Baby: Happy anniversary b, dah one month *smilez*
Me: Are u sure u still wanna continue this before anything happens? Please think

Baby: Yeah of course i want too

Me: Okay good, happy anniversary too. hee.

Me: *Smilez*

Then he left for work. Message me before he left, i replied, then he never reply already. Means hes working his ass off. God, i never thought i can like *not get attention from my bf, usually i'll go mad like this, but this time im quite patient, its his work life, i can't do anything. Hes working for his license so that's a good thing* Moving on,

Tomorrow's my anniversary. Yup2, My anniversary and like everyone else is having so many problems.I feel guilty though its not my problem. God, i wish i can say so many things but i can't. i cant i cant. God, i feel like killing him for doing this. Seriously, Like strangling him and then see him die with loads of blood all around his head. Okay, that's quite bad la. But God, how stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid he can be sometimes? Ahhh.. Whatever la. Just keep all the swearing to myself. hee.

-See, the two big speakers beside, yeah it doesn't look big here, but it is. haha-

-fallen angel-

"Stop acting like a bitch sometimes. can ar?"

♥ 6:27 PM

Thursday, March 27, 2008

This song was introduce to me by my own boyfriend. haha, he loves this song and i dont even know why. He said the lyrics are nice, and i was listening to it. Hmm, if only neyo was a girl, then it won't be damn bad. Usually its guys that are cheating. Not the girl, unless shes just hopeless and stupid la, like i was. But hey, enjoy the song okay. And i think it suits *you*.
But i wouldn't know, i guess.
This is the lyrics that i like:

"I was inviting her into my heart, she was out riding in some other men's car. She was my nightime, thought i was her star, yes i was wrong but see im strong, won't take long for me to move on,
Please dont worry about me Im fine, Only gonna play the fool one time,
Trust me when i say i would be okay,
Go on girl, Go on girl"

Hee. Yeah that part. its cool. Would blog tonight.

"Things happen k babe, just hang in there and think of positive things, i hope nothing goes wrong, I feel somewhat guilty although i didn't do anything wrong, but i just wish i can do something to help, knowing i was in ur place before also. Although we're not close, but hey im always here for the advice therapy. hee. Smile kay, you look better when u smile. hee"

-fallen angel-

♥ 5:49 PM

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

-Kevin, *the one in front*. Your sexy! lol. Eleena masuk campur. hahaha

Hafizi, afdhal, Ethan,and lisa behind there, with the peace sign there, haha. sajer jee.

All of us, sitting behind, and singing, lalala~

Apple and farah. CHOMEYL LA WEHH!

Ethan with his weird looks, hahah Mus looks damn funny!

My cousin, haha

Denise and Nayim, go go!

Them, haha. the one that makes us all smile. =)

All of us..

Again, the behind seats. lol

Rabia & afdhal. lalala.

Hafizi, and them. hahaha. hafizi ni suka ambik spotlight jeee. eee

-4 marey, no matter what,
still the best and still are the ones that make us all smile on a rainy day-

heee.

♥ 11:53 PM

Today, i had my phone back again. My baby-licious paid for me first. Ohmygod, so sweet. I miss my fon, like so damn frigging much!! So to show my love, I took pictures. hahaha. The first two of me, is today la. The other pictures i bluetooth from my boyfriend's phone to my phone. Well, i slept just now. Supposed to sleep for like 3 or 2 hours, end up slept for like 5 hours. woke up at 9:45, thinking that it was in the morning, so i was like in a rush to open the window, fell off my bed, then saw outside, it was still dark. Damn! I wanna go to school. Lol. surprisingly weird, i know. But yeah, i wanna study. I wanna understand how to study. Going on, I met two friends today. Arief and ariff. Yes, they are pronounced the same. haha. They are cool. This is the conversation we had. lol.Mcdeluxe is ariff by the way. I got mixed up with their names. So i told them to change.

arief says:
make a sentences out of ingatan
Mcdeluxe says:
wtf?
Mcdeluxe says:
maaf saya tidak faham pertuturan bahasa melayu
arief says:
serious ar
Mcdeluxe says:
apa dia ni
Mcdeluxe says:
haha
arief says:
buat ayat
Mcdeluxe says:
out of ingatan?
Mcdeluxe says:
ohh
arief says:
yea
Mcdeluxe says:
ayat apa kau nak
arief says:
ape2 ar
arief says:
x yah ar fancy2
Nicole *angel* says:
ingatan saya tak segempak macam arief? lol
arief says:
aslkan ayat
Nicole *angel* says:
my bm sucks
Nicole *angel* says:
i noe.
arief says:
haha
Mcdeluxe says:
dimana jua ku berada,disitulah rambulan mcdeluxe.memanggilku seperti nyanian seribu laut yang bergelora

senctence ariff made was just weird, haha. he comes up with words that are so unexpected. haha. But yeah, they are great. Good good friends. Although i know them for like day. Seems like they can be the good advisors for me. Maybe arief la, Ariff not so much. haha

happy arief? I talked about you, ariff, just shut up

lol.

Enjoy the pictures aightz? Heheh. take carezz

-i miss you-

-"Ens Model", he says-

Asia cafe. hehe.

Outside my house, before i went to my sister's house.

I love this picture, although i cropped him out. haha, but i like my smile.

sorry for being vain, i know i am. can't help it

Lol! This is a funny picture, I KNOW! shut up please. *this is for you, ariff* haha

It says it all.

Yeah, i like this picture. Its jack, izat, and roy by the way. Dont know why, but i like it.

-fallen angel-

♥ 10:44 PM

Just came back from school. I miss class klinikal. Bloody shit la. The bus arrived at our school around 9.30am and we left the exibition around 1.00pm. We're supposed to be reaching school at that time right? But nope, came back 30 minutes later. Anyways, going on

Today was fun. Alot of people went. around 50 i think. We got into the bus, I sat next to daryl. Fizzy, Nik, Nayim, Denise, Thevanesh, Eleena,Lisa all sat around us. I dnt know how the hell the our topic for the day was like.

*what's the worst thing we *girls* have done with a guy?*

Ex boyfriend or whatever la. Fizzy ask Lisa first, she didn't reply. And went it came to me, God. I didn't like the question nor i didn't wanna answer it cause its really stupid. Especially when they KNOW what's the answer. They just kept pushing and pushing for me to say it out loud. Well whatever, i didn't. I kept my secret only for me to know and for you to find out, the ones that dont know la.

Then it was Denise and nayim's turn. Nayim said

"Ala, make out biasseee jeee la"

Lol. There is a biasa make out, and a not normal make out ke? Didnt know that. Moving on, We reached "PSN"~Pusat Sains Negara. I think that's the name of the place. So yeah, we went there.

With another group instead.

We were supposed to go for this ceramah on the third floor, but we made it out, we went downstairs. Starting seeing all the exbition. Some were nice, i mean fun to play with. But the others, just boring. haha. Moving on, we went to eat and stuff like that. Then around 1.00pm something. All of us kumpul at the front of the gate again. Then APPLE came, hahaha. shes so funny weh she was like

"weh, tadi ade arnab oh, giler chomeyl, i pegang, i angkat dier semua dowh, sumpah chomeyl giler"

And she said it with her u now, the cutest voice in the world. Seeing her expression. It was seriously damn funny!.. Tibe2 je datang. But yeah, after that, took some pictures then went up on the bus again, this time i sat with eleena. Then, at the back of us, izzaty, syera, ethan, mus, nik, nayim, Denise, aimeen, thevanesh. Banyak orang la. Ethan and his so called gang were singing songs all the way back home. It was hilarious, but i didn't have the mood to laugh, cause was pist at something else. *how can he do that, i just dont understand!!*. They sang

*nothing at all~O town, Don't speak~No doubt, and Always~Bon jovi.

Lol. It was serious hilarious to the max. but yeah, eleena recorded it.

IF i can, i would post it up okay. But not today.

So today had NO STUDYING at all. Damn, i kinda menyesal. But there was not much people in school. I mean almost half of the class went. But i think this is gonna be the last day trip i have. Dont wanna have it anymore. Cause everywhere i go, its just really depressing to see things that i dont want to see at all. But yeah, Im not gonna interfere la. Just whatever.

Don't give a damn anymore la.

~You do whatever you want, you always think about urself before anybody else. Dont care about what other people think instead. I just dont understand how the hell YOUR BRAIN works mann? I dont know. I seriously dont. I dont understand how you can be so STUPID sometimes.~

I'll blog tonight aitez? Wanna go have a nap. Damn tired. Take care.

-fallen angel-

♥ 2:01 PM

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I wish i can tell you all the things you wanted to know

I wish i can tell you what's going on

But i know its gonna hurt

I mean i know how it felt when i was in your place,

Not knowing what is happening behind me.

Ohmygod, I feel so sorry yet i feel so guilty

Why am i the always one that cares?

Why am i the only way that think this is wrong?
Is there anybody out there then can actually help me with this problem

Haih, I wish i could do something about it.

I just shouldn't care anymore or interfere, I know i shouldn't

cause your my goodfriend, but i wanna keep you safe.

-Does this sound like a poem?-

LoL.

-fallen angel-

♥ 11:34 PM

Why i love you:

~You never did anything wrong, yet you still apologise
~ How much im so angry with the whole world you still made me smile
~You tell me things that i should know beford hand, *which is sometimes good and bad too*
~ You do things that just surprises me
~You love to have "talks" on how to make our relationship better.
~ Even when ur messaging another girl, or commenting with her, you still tell me, so i should know
~You trust me, and you love me ONLY.
~You make me smile even if im in the most weirdest awkward angry position

Alot of things happen today, I mean ethan took my PRIVATE book and he read it out loud

Thank god no one was really hearing him. And the poems arent that bad also. I didn't say im writing for who, so pheww! haha. Alot of poems in there kay. Since like last year. I never let anyone read it, But i just thought of bringing it today. End up it Ethan took a hold of it, Bloody hell. I got fucking scared but hes okay la. Hes my cousin so he won't embarassed me. Not in that way la, I think. And today i stayed back for sejarah *extra classes*. hehe. Im so proud of myself in a way la. I wanna show people that i can actually make a DIFFERENCE, aight?

Just wait and see.

Today and yesterday was just NOT a good day. Been fighting with my mum a whole lot. I dont know why, but i seem to scream at her when im down, and she does the same. I mean there is only both of us in this house and i guess we get irratated by each other looking at the same people ever freaking day.

This is the conversation i had with her.

Mum: I dont want to talk to you anymore la, You dont know how to appreciate your own MOTHER!

Me: Rite, hello mum! Im your only daughter, if you dont talk to me who else are you gonna talk to? The wall ain't gonna listen to you, you know? *Slam the door*

Yes, thats the conversation.
I know I know. Im mean, especially to my mother, but we both share this anger manangement thing, when we're angry we're just crazy and start talking shit they we know we ourselve don't believe in it. Well i brought Jack here today, to make her happy. She smiled and now shes cooking for me. Yay.
I love you no matter what k, Your my mother.

"The best person in the world, A mother"

Anyways, im off to studying now. Yes, i know studying. Yeah yeah, U might not believe me, but hey just watch and see my SPM results. maybe not straight A'S but something good la kan. something different. Tuition is starting already for me, and its gonna be a hectic month. balancing with boyfriend, mother, family, finance, school, friends, rumours.

Well, another year to go through then i won't even be here to remember all this past of mine!!

-fallen angel-

♥ 8:15 PM

Monday, March 24, 2008

Hmm, Guess by the time you see this picture you'll be thinking. *owh great, shes back with him, how stupid can she be* Well you know what? I just dont care anymore. Yes, i need your advice when i need it. But surprisingly, when i hear the advice, the ones i dont like hearing, I would just hate you there and then. Im sorry la, But i would think that your the pathetic one, Not me. Anyways, whatever la. I dont know who to listen to anymore. I know listening to my heart is much better, and yeah, that's what im doing. Im listening to my heart. I realize that i can trust him again, Im able too. Well if he hurts me again, then too bad for him la. Hes life is gonna be a living hell. But as my mum said

"Life's too short to make the worst of it"

So, im just going with the flow. Yes, i love him and we're taking this relationship to alot of changes. He'll know how to protect me and know how to love me PROPERLY now. There is nothing behind us, that is hiding. Everything is out there, That's what i want my relationship to be. And this is the best. I Love you = ).

If your a friend, just be here for me when i have problems, but whatever i choose to do, whatever decisions I MAKE, its up to me. Not you. You just seem to always be in my head telling me what to do. If you did actually cared for me, you would have told me in the first place that hes ex still had feelings for him. I have to find out from someone else instead and i haven't even confront you yet. Yes, u might think your the best bestfriend ever. And you are, But your not the same girl i have known before. Hmm, whatever la, I dont care.

-fallen angel-

"I got alot of bestfriends, so i hope the ones that this is not for, dont start assuming and scolding me, Please ask me first whether its you, I'll be glad to open up".

♥ 10:37 PM

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Why does tonight have to end?

Why don't we hit restart and pause at our favourite part

We'll skip the goodbyes,

And if i had it my way, I'd turn the car around

And runaway, just you and I.

That's half the lyrics from the song *he* gave to me. I just dont know what to do anymore.

These are the reasons why i dont wanna accept him again. Its for you to hear also:

1: I dont want to be a barbie doll, A barbie doll that you can just throw and pick up ANYTIME you want

2: I dont wanna get hurt again, Maybe she's not here now, thats why you feel lonely. But what if she comes back and says the same thing over and over again. What would you do?

3: The trust is not there anymore. And when the trust is not there, the relationship just goes down. Just like my previous relationship - sorry anis, if you feel offended

4: I gave my previous ex boyfriend so many chances and he took it for granted. He made himself think *shes so crazy over me, that whatever i do, she would accept*. I dont want you to think the same way as he does too.

-sorry anis, didn't mean to say it here, its easier if i put it this way. much apologise that im talking about ur bf.

The reasons why i wanna accept back also is :

1: I think he's the best boyfriend i ever had. He took care of me, didn't take me for granted, I think

2 : He understands how i feel. He knows all the crap i went through. He has patience for me.

3 : Im too lazy to find another guy out there, im sure i dont want to lose another guy, even though he might not love me only.

See, am i making sense or not? No right? I know. All my friends tell me,

*don't accept him back again, your gonna be a pathetic fool accepting him again, just like last time, how many mistakes you did last time, takkan you wanna go back to that life again?*

Yes, sometimes what my friends says is right, I think they are correct, But this time is different. Hes regretting for what he did. Hes not saying

*please come back to me, i really need you*

. Hes just regretting that he said that. that he made a choice like that.

That... oh well, I dont know la.

A day spent at my friends house, and yeah yesterday i dreamt about him also, its hard when i dream of him, and the dreams are like sweet. Its like really really sweet.

* i can't tell what is it*.

Moving on,

" I give you the chance, yes i would. but i dont think our relationship would be the same, if you still wanna risk it, then fine, i would risk it with you, but let me tell you this, if you ever hurt me again, i would hate you for the rest of your life.i would not be a friend, i would not be your advisor, i would not be anything to you, are you sure u wanna risk that? Risk a friendship for your love for me, If you still do have love for me la"

Gawd, help me.

-
fallen angel-

♥ 5:38 PM

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Nicole *angel* Nothing to be said says:
which teacher was it ar, the one she keeps all our book in some bilik mawar or something like that.
what's her name again?
tevai miss the nasi kandar days says:
Pn.Zaharah
tevai miss the nasi kandar days says:
not her la.
Nicole *angel* Nothing to be said says:
oowwwhhhh
Nicole *angel* Nothing to be said says:
haha.
Nicole *angel* Nothing to be said says:
she tot me bm in form 3 what
tevai miss the nasi kandar days says:
NO
tevai miss the nasi kandar days says:
she thought us in Form 2!
Nicole *angel* Nothing to be said says:
ohmygod
tevai miss the nasi kandar days says:
Form 3 is Pn.Aishah la
Nicole *angel* Nothing to be said says:
form 2 ke?
Nicole *angel* Nothing to be said says:
its like so fast weh
Nicole *angel* Nothing to be said says:
MY GOD, WHY IS THE EARTH REVOLVING SO FAST?!
tevai miss the nasi kandar days says:
lol

That conversation made me think like, Mann, life has move so fast and now its like gonna be april soon already. another 7 months, is my DOOM DAY. My god, i dont think i have much time anymore. But hey, why not start now u know? My studying i mean, Nothing really hit me like this before. But it is now. I hate always thinking that i need a boyfriend to motivate me to do something. fuck it lar. fuck guys and stupid fucking attitude la right?

*all the single gurls, say yeah!!*

That was pathetic, but yeah. 3 things i should do before the ending of this year

~ Study to my very best and this time actually open the bloody book!

~ I always said i wanted to loose weight, this time, im doing it for real. Dont come running back when u know i have the most perfect body ever. lol

~ About love? ha! Im bored of it already. Im bored of messaging guys, and looking at them, thinking their the most hottest thing on earth. My god, whatever la kay. Im so fed up with all of them. I think ALL guys are the same. They THINK we're their stupidity part of their brain, never the BRAIN! but the stupidity part.

Ookay, maybe that didn't make sense, but whatever la.

-fallen angel-

" I might blog again, tonight. Nothing else to do."

♥ 7:46 PM

I will be hoping for you

I will be searching for you

I will be watching for you

Until I find you,

Find you

I will be patient for you

My eyes they won't ignore you

I know my heart will know you

When I find you,

I'll be fine, I'll just walk through the footsteps of my normal life again.as the saying goes, its just another guy, They would always come and go. Sometimes i sit down, and just think

*hmm, thankgod i didn't love wholeheartedly, i did love him, but not crazy lurvee.*,

Sometimes there is just no use loving ONE GUY so hard, when it breaks everything trembles, You feel like you just died. Well i dont feel that way anymore. I knew where it was going. I know guys, I can catch them too fast now i gues. This time, i dont think its my fault. at all. I tried my best to make him happy. Hes friends didn't like me. Maybe he didn't like my attitude but hey, you had 2 months to know who i really was. You, popped up the question, Not me. I just went through it. But i did tell you

" its gonna be hard to be with me, it really is"

And it was your choice to take the part on being a boyfriend to me, not anyone else. But hey, i dont blame you okay for making this kinda decision. Seriously i dont. Now all i can say is

" have fun with your life, and hope you'll never forget about me"

Hey, life goes on you know. Its just another guy in the box of so called lurrrvveee. Im growing, and making this like the most matured situation that i can. Move on, and walk straight, never looking back. right right? heheh. that's all i guess.

"Single and NOT ready to mingle"

I repeat *NOT*, ready to mingle, not yet la

hee

-fallen angel-

This time im telling you, its not my fault. get it? Not my fault. neither is him.

♥ 4:01 PM

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Well i found out something today that i guess, i never expected it. In a way i did, in a way i didn't expect that it would happen under MY ROOF, But yeah it did. And well i just dont know. Maybe its my fault im loosing him, but whatever he choose to do, i won't stop him. But just so you know that *karma hits back all the time* I don't blame you for whatever you do, Its your choice. I can't stand in the middle. And i won't give my love WHOLEHEARTEDLY, to someone that won't appreciate it, or love me back. I just don't do things that way. Not anymore

And to you : Yes, you. Please just leave us alone. Please, im begging you. I already had enough of ex girlfriend and girlfriend fights, I dont want to fight with you because i think you're really nice. But saying "hat"to MY BOYFRIEND doesn't make you very nice at all, and come on. hes taken. Understand? Taken means HANDS OFF. I mean, fine maybe your just telling him that you arrive safely, but dont you think that I'M the one that is supposed to be doing that? Not you. Seriously i love him okay. I want this relationship to work. So can you just not come in between?

Whatever la, im done la. After this, if things doesn't work out, seriously im just done with guys. I'll think to myself.

" i dont need a guy to live my own life"

Im done

-fallen angel-

♥ 10:24 PM

Yeah, i fixed things with him. And we're still together. Stil so much in love. But i would know where my limits are now. I won't mind that much now if he were to go out. Sometimes a person just have to give and take. Anyways, i love you sayang. Glad we worked out through this. Im happy im with you. I really am kay. Never doubt that...

Edited by Tevaneea, Again. haha I love you gurl.

-fallen angel-

♥ 12:29 AM

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Don't you ever think, sometimes in a relationship, you just wanna be left alone, just for a while. Knowing that everything is happening so fast and too quick, you just want everything to stop. Well maybe you dont, But im feeling that way now. I dont like where i'm going. I told myself before i stepped in my new relationship, Im not gonna be the same. I have made NO CHANGES. Im not gonna treat him the way i treated my ex boyfriends. Im not going too. Then why do i feel that way? Why do i feel like im exactly like before. Listening to my friends advice me today. Its the same. Listening to *him* tell me what i did wrong. Sounds exactly like before. All my ex boyfriends said the same thing to me.

*i think your abit too controlling*

Yeah, ALL my ex boyfriends said that, that's how i lost them i guess. Well except one la, My FIRST ex boyfriend, Jack. He didn't think i was controlling cause i mean he lived with me, under one house.and he was my first love, and i was so use to being with someone ALWAYS next to me. I mean maybe i got too use to him always being around that i want my boyfriends now to take his place or something like that, i think. I know that's bad. I know its bad for making my now boyfriend to do things that only i like to do. But seriously, im changing. Im changing for the better. I guess i just need more time to figure things out properly. to think everything through. i just hope you start to really UNDERSTAND that im not the same as other girls, i really am not. That's something you just have to accept.

Yesterday, i cried. I cried in front of him, some things just happen out of no where, I dont know how can a human be so happy, laugh, smile, think about positive things, and can just change to some gremlin by like 2 seconds. That was me yesterday, 2 seconds i changed into a different person. Scolding him, shouting, words that came out from my mouth was not pretty, But i didn't even stop myself. I knew what i was saying. Till the end where i just stopped and ask him

" are u sure u still wanna continue with this relationship knowing my attitude is like this?"
he said
"Im not ready to loose you yet, no matter what i love you"

Im thinking now, I just dont know what to do. I dont know.

I dont like when people think that breaking up is an excuse for you to run away. Seriously i dont, But i did it yesterday, Why you ask? Cause i cared. I cared not to make him go through shit with me. I rather leave here then leave 5 months later when its gonna be harder. Yes, its not good to always have negative thinking in a relationship but seriously, i m hard to handle. I really am. There is no guy that can handle me. I can only handle myself. Im trying so hard to change but hmm. I dont know la what to do now exactly. I need someone to tell me what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore if i have problems, i just dont know who. No one can ever feel the same way your feeling. No one.

-fallen angel-

"Just let me think for a minute"

♥ 7:10 PM

Monday, March 17, 2008

Anyways, this was my plan at my sister's house!

10.00am- wake up

12.00am- lunch

2.00pm-swimming

4.00pm- GYM

6-00pm - Go back to my sister's house

7.00pm- mandi, makan, play ps 2. whatever la

9.00pm- go out and party.

2.00am- come back to my sister;s place again

This WAS my plan. haha. everything went wrong from the day i stepped in my sister's house lol. Everything went like 2 hours later. meaning

2.00pm - wake up

5.00pm- swimming

6.00pm - gym

7.00pm - makan, mandi

8.00pm - play ps2, watch movies

11.00pm- go out and party

2.00am - clubbing

4.00am - makan AGAIN. lol

6.00am - sleep

..Yup, so called go there to loose weight right? haha. but i went to the gym, ran like 15 minutes. 2.3 km i think. and burned like 150 calories. Haha. that's what the threadmill showed la. lol. So anyways, it was fun. Clubbing was fun, met alot of CUTE guys. haha. But i still remembered my boyfriend. I didn't drink much but yeah i drank. And guess what? My mum was pist drunk. lol. she fell down while dancing. What was i doing? Covering my face, telling people *i dont know her* haha. No lah, im kidding but yeah. she fell and then got up again, sat down for a while, then when a nice song came up, she got up and danced again. I thought that was gonna happen to me or my sister but nope, my mum. lol So yeah, i guess the tequilla did work for her. *i did tell her she should stop the tequilla kay, 4 shots are too much, i did. i really did! haha* . Anyways, we had a great time. Steven *my sister's husband* he brought us to the best makan places everywhere. hehe. It was all fun la kan. best2. I hate to go home. but i had too cause Jack was having a futsal tournament here in subang so i had to go and see him, not much of a challenge la but they they did get into finals so i guess there's a + there. Anyways, will update pictures soon enuf. hehe. Thanks for reading.

-fallen angel-

♥ 6:35 PM

hey, peeps

Well i know im supposed to write about how my FAMILY CLUBBING DAY went, But then im too lazy. its 12:18am now on a sunday morning, Jack just went back home after spending 12 hours wit him. WOAH, that's like long mann. Well what to do? I didn't see him for 4 days, I miss him so much mann and well tomorrow gosh, SCHOOL again, mann. The one week went pretty fast. damn! Anyways, going on. Im seriously too lazy. So i'll update about it another time kay. All i know is i had a great time and im thankful i have sisters that really care for me. And nope, didn't loose any KG'S yet. hahah.

Btw, My boyfriend got into finals for futsal today, and he beat me in pool. DAMN but Im so proud of him cause he was a beginner in pool, and also futsal, well he always tried his hardest, and now he actually arrived that far. I love you =)

-fallen angel-

♥ 12:17 AM

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Tagged by Tevaneea

1. Real name > Nicole ****** Main. Your not allowed to give identities on blogs kay. haha
2. Nickname > Nickelodeon, Nicki, Nic. Slut, bitch. whatever la.
3. Married > Nooooopppeeeeee
4. Male or Female > Female. =)
5. Highschool > SMK usj 4
6. College > Maybe? haven't thought about it yet
7. Short or long hair > I look better with long hair, but im planning to cut it shorter
.8. Are you a health freak > Not reaallyy
9. Height >5 feet 8 i think. i checked yesterday. i was `172 cm. haha
10. Do you have a crush on someone > Crush? Nooope, dont think so
o you like yourself > hahahhaha. at some point yeah, i think. just dont like what i do to myself
12. Piercings > 1 on each ear.
13. Righty or Lefty > Righty. haha
14. First surgery > Lol. 3 years ago. Major surgery. Life and death situation. LOL
15 first piercings > 13 I THINK. i was scared kayzz
16. First person you see in the morning >My mother.
17. First award > In primary school. hehe. BORIA!
18. First sport you joined > Badminton i think
19. First pet > Don't remeber. Genie, a dog. btw
20. First vacation > CHERATING! oo, love it
21. First concert > Never been to one. hate concerts.
22. First crush > hahahahhah. no idea mann. standard 3 i think
CURRENTLY
23. Eating > None
24. Drinking > None
25. I'm about to > watch my boyfriend play futsal at sports planet
YOUR FUTURE
26. Want kids > of course
27. Want to get married > depends la
28. Careers in mind > Haven't really tot aboutit
WHICH ONE IS BETTER
29. Lips or eyes > eyes.. hehe.. BROWN eyes
30. Hugs or kisses > BOTH
.31. Shorter or taller > taller la weh!
32. Romantic or spontaneous > both both
33. Sensitive or loud > Not sure
34. Trouble maker or hesitant > fun to be with. lol
HAVE YOU EVER
35. Kissed a stranger > Noo wayyy. people always ask me that. No idea why
36. Drank bubbles > not sureee
.37. Lost glasses/contacts > Nope, don't wear them. i got PERFECT eyesight, i think.
38. Ran away from home > haha. dont ask
39. Liked someone younger > hahha. DON'T ASK.
40. Liked someone older > duuuuuuuhh.. lol
41. Broken someone's heart > Maybe? hehe. but he broke mine back too. so we're even. *talking about jack,cina*
42. Been arrested > nope, but sat in a police car. yeah! haha
43. Cried when someone died > of course laaa
44. Liked a friend > hahah. My boyfriend WAS my friend. so technically, DUH!
DO YOU BELIEVE IN
45. Yourself >depends on what im doing
46. Miracles > depends on what also
47. Heaven > Maybe?
48. Santa claus > Noppeee
49. Angels > Maybe?
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY ~*
50. Is there one person you want to be with right now > Hmm, i dont really know the answer for now
51. Do you believe in God > Maybe?
52. Tag 5 people > Lynette, Anis, Apple, Denise, Teva. hahaha *sesated one*. can't think of anyone else

♥ 10:42 AM

Thursday, March 13, 2008

My sister's. Don't look the same, i know.

Yes, peeps. I won't be here for two days. Going over to my sister's house in damansara, and she doesn't have internet btw. She stays at some condominium there with a swimming pool and a gymnasium. One reason im going there is because wanna work out, I can't do it in subang. Cause everywhere i go, I see someone that i know. So kinda mallluuuu wanna work out. So i rather do it there, for the three days. And another reason is because my sister likes to go CLUBBING at night, haha. our family is mostly KNOWN for clubbing. I dont know why but we all love it. So this a time where the family gets together and drink till they cant remember their own names. But i remember mine. haha. I dont drink much, cause hello. Im trying to loose weight you know. . But yeah, i would drink some i guess. I only know the last experience of me drinking is NOT NOT GOOD. dont wanna remember it, but hey, its memories. Well bad memories, but nice la.I dont know what am i saying. I have to go in like 5 minutes, so sorry for the rush.

Anything just leave it on my chatterbox, please la people. chat with me more. i want to chat with SOMEONE!! lol *how pathetic i can be sometimes*

There's always a secret behind each family, just hang in there kay gurl. Im sure things would work out for the best.

-fallen angel-

♥ 5:48 PM

Hahaha. she edited this. yup yup. From that >> to the one top there, you should know la. See the difference. when i first looked at it, i thought what kinda colours is that weh. But the more i look at it, it looks superbly cool. Yes, teva i love your work, and stop talking about the cube thingy, please please, dont. im trying to loose weight here la weh. can help ar? My boyfriend said it looks nice too. hehhe

-fallen angel-

♥ 12:40 AM

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I think im gonna make this blog, official. As in maybe stop writing in wonderblues. Its making me very very bored with the colours, and i can't edit as good as anyone else. But hmm. Still thinking about it.

Anyways, nothing much to write about today except everything is solved, yes thank God, everything is solved and done. and whatever it is, everything is forgotten i hope. No more bitching, no more fighting, no more pasts, no more talking, no more well bitching la mostly. pheww!

Going on, today i had to make a choice on whether to continue with my boyfriend or not. Yes, i'm having a serious problem with my boyfriend now. I was thinking just now about him going to college and asrama and all that kinda stuff. And knowing there's gonna be hundred of girls that is gonna be all over him cause well i dont know, he has a charm i guess. I just sometimes wonder whether we would really work out for the best. In my heart, i seriously want it to work out so badly.
First time, in my own relationship, i want it to work out, no more playing around already, actually think of having a future with him, Im fed up of finding another one all the time. I rather just stick with one. Going on. I just asked him some questions today about the future and stuff and all. and he told me to think about what i really want and stuff like that. If i still choose to continue this relationship, then we won't think about the other gurls thats gonna come through cause he said he would always love me and me only.
One thing that made me cry today was because he said it on the phone, he couldn't say it in front of my face, instead he chose to message me that. I always tell him. *no use telling instead why not you show?* Much more confidence there you know. Anyways, i just hope he understand and yeah, gonna go think more and actually wake him up. Swine-ness of a boyfriend. Love you still baby. Muax! <3

Shut up baby, you look perfect!

-fallen angel-

♥ 8:19 PM

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

teva says:
right..

teva says:
dah lah gigi like crap

teva says:
and will always hunch when taking pictures

Nicole says:
hahah

teva says:
walk also not straight

Nicole says:
fuck u weh

teva says:
WAKAKA

Nicole says:
I only hunch cause i dont want the SHORT PEOPLE to feel offended

Nicole says:stupid!

This is a conversation i had with teva and trisha, today. Trisha didn't talk much cause i dont know la, but me and teva were constantly talking shit we couldn't even shut up. ahah. but its nice having conversations like this where you can just laugh your head off. And there was one part where teva was telling her so called stupidest moment, i laughed so loud that my mum ask *what happen what happen*, but she didn't read anything but she was eager too. My mum is such a kepochi sometimes. hahah. shes just bored. Anyways, had a chat with my boyfriend today. I told him that sometimes we must talk about serious stuff, not all the time playful only. Must be more matured. and he did this.

Jack says:
b

Jack says:
i nk ckp sumthing nie

Jack says:
important taw

Jack says:
jgn main2

Jack says:
serious

Nicole says:
what?

Jack says:
i

Jack says:
love

Jack says:
you

This is his method of *serious* lol. It made me laugh and smile, though i was abit pissed off at first, thinking we were gonna talk about something serious but at the end, he still did made me smile. He was telling me on how i looked so happy with the pictures i posted up on my xanga. hehe. hey, yeah i guess i was more happy then, i mean i was *thin*, shut up teva, i was thin before. But hey, life goes on. dont worry peeps, i'll give a big wide smile sooner or later. Anyways, going on.

I did some things today that i dont know whether i would regret it or not. Hoping i wouldn't but its happening again, too fast. everything is happening too fast, but im letting it take control. Im not even controlling myself. I always say i can at first, end up i just lose the game at the end. Hmm, only i can understand this. only i can stop this, or i can continue it. But for now, its stopping. I dont think i'll blog for long because im going to my sister's house. hehe Yay, tomorrow clubbing day. with my family. gonna be a blast for sure. love ya'll! chaoweez!

Just a picture i was eager to put up! heh

~fallen angel~

♥ 12:27 AM

Saturday, March 8, 2008

My world revolves around you

Tell me how you expect me to breath

Tell me how am i supposed to breath with no air

Can't live can't breath with no air

How do i feel when i know you aint there

No air no air

Caught me out here in the water here so deep

Tell me how you gonna live without me

If you aint here i just can't breath

No air no air

Definition of love?

My definition of love is just being happy with the one you're in love with, just be happy that you are able to see him for 5 minutes, listening to nice love songs and knowing hes next to you hugging you. Knowing that whenever he looks at a girl, he doesn't think anything. Instead he says *i'm so glad i'm with a girl like you and no one else*. Before he goes to sleep, he tells you i wanna hear your voice before i sleep, please. Before he goes to work or before he hangs out, he sends you a sweet message saying he is thinking of you

Whenever there is bad times, he knows that he is so angry with you and he tends to stay away cause he doesn't want to say something he knows he would regret. Knowing that it would hurt the girl that he is staying away but the next day, he is still the one to apologise. Even if no one apologises, he says he can't help not talking or not messaging or not calling, and he comes forward and says *why not we just forget about all this and start over*. The times that you don't expect anything to happen, he's waiting outside your house with a flower. The times where you think everything is wrong in your life, with your family with everything. He brings you out just for a drink and relaxes your mind.

For the past three years i've been thinking to myself, what is love? is love supposed to make you happy? if it is, then why everytime when i'm in a relationship, im just not happy. Maybe yeah, i see the bad things in life.I always see the negative things in life, its just me. I dont believe in miracles, I don't believe in coincidence, I dont believe in love where ex boyfriends or ex girlfriends can get back together but sometimes it does happen. Well everyone has a different expect in everything anyways. This is just mine.

~I know i may not be the best girlfriend to you right now. I know i might sometimes have my doubts, but please stay on this boat with me and never leave me. Never join the fishes out there. Just stay with me. I know i can make us happy, I know i can make you smile. I know i can love you, Just give me some time to forget about everything and see us as the greatest love of all. I'm always thinking to myself that i can never be the best for you, but i hope you have faith in us more then i have faith in myself. I love you, You know i do. I never felt happy in any of my other relationship except when i'm with you. But i'm always expecting more then this and i know i shouldn't be thinking about anyone else except you. I'm sorry if i were to hurt you but please i beg you, dont leave me for anything else.~

-SuicidalDramaz-

♥ 6:44 PM

Friday, March 7, 2008

I know i have move on
I know i have forgotten you
I know everything is different
I know you dont need me anymore

I still wanna be here next to you
To know i'm still here
I want you to know that
I want you to help you go through

I wish i can make the decision to be with you
But i believe that i would hurt you
I'm sorry you have to see me this way
I'm sorry if i hurt you

I don't want you to fall in lover with me or fall out love. I want you here next to me to protect me, I feel safe with you. More then that i just can't do it. I can't do it knowing my heart is not all for you. I can't do this behind you. I like where we're at now. But at the same time i do wanna try. I just dont wanna hurt you. I want you to know everything about me, All the secrets. I'm just so scared to give my heart out again. I can't do it. I cant.

~ I wrote this 2 days before i took the chance to be in a relationship with jack, I dont really know who is it for, seriously. I mean the top one is for someone else, the bottom is for him of course. I know i;m not single anymore but hey, the feelings are still there mann. GOD HELP ME LA! but im happy. I really am happy. I'm happy with him. I'm smiling every single day. We haven't fought yet. Heheh. I dont think we ever would cause i mean we're just so in love that fighting just makes it much more worst. But hey, they say without a fight means you dont care. but i dont EXPECT a fight la of course!

Yeah going on, this is my new blog. This blog is mostly about what i'm really feeling inside. any fights, problems, doubts, love, everything would be spilled out here. hehe. Have fun reading. Thanks!

♥ 10:07 PM